Mr C

I broke up with Mr H who thought was the love of my life. I felt angry and disorientated. It was as though, the moment I was told about the girl, my now ex had been speaking to, the wool was lifted from my eyes. I then saw him for the immature, weak pathetic boy he really was. I was angry at myself for having wasted so many months crying after him when his feelings towards me had gone time ago. I decided that it was time to move on properly and that this was going to happen whether I wanted it to or not. I switched off all emotion, telling myself that I will never allow myself to feel that way about another guy again. I didn’t want to have another relationship… but I was open to it.

One of my friends from secondary school was having a house party for her 18th birthday. The previous party she had had been so good and so I knew that now we were all 18 and legal, this one would be even better! I ended up getting there early, despite one of my best-girlfriends arriving late. However, she arrived with a bunch of guys she knew from her college. It ended up becoming a passa-passa (dancehall) dance. SO LIVE! Us girls were dancing  with the boys, and to my surprise a guy I used to see was there as well. I ended up dancing with four guys all from the same group of friends. 

So there I am, having a dance with of the guys, Mr C (but didn’t know him at this point) then I hear him behind me whisper something in my ear. I turn around only to find that it isn’t Mr C I’m dancing with but this yardie looking guy in a pink t-shirt. The music was so loud I couldn’t hear him properly, but from what I could hear, I thought he was a ‘freshie’, straight off the boat from Jamaica. His hair was in messy cornrows which went straight to the back of his head. He looked older, about 25.

I mad a gesture indicating that I couldn’t hear him, and again he asked me what my name was. I told him “Cassie” and then I asked him his. All I heard him respond was “E”. I moved off from him because I told myself I didn’t like him, I wasn’t attracted to boys with hair, plus the fact that he seemed fresh put me off further. A few minutes later, he approached me at the drinks table where it wasn’t as loud. I was being served a drink and he proceeded to ask for my number but I told him I don’t give that out. He then asked me if I was on Facebook to which I said yes, and told him my name when he asked so that he could search for me. I told him that he probably wouldn’t remember my name in the morning because he looked quite wasted but he wrote it down in his phone and showed me. I didn’t mind him adding me on Facebook, I didn’t have to accept him if I didn’t want to I thought to myself. That seemed to soothe him and he didn’t bother me again that night. I later saw him dancing with one of my friends, I saw her write her number down in his phone and pass it back to him. At that point I thought he wasn’t serious. That, along with me already having a negative untrustworthy schema for guys. I kissed my teeth and walked away.

The party finished at around 4am, I had no idea how I was getting home. I could have stayed at the party girls’ house but I really wanted to go home. My friend who came with the guys, Jas, said that the boys had space in their cars. Two of them drove so there was room for two more. Jas went off with Mr S, this short dark guy who was really cute. I had a dance with him, and he wasn’t able to stop staring at me the whole time he was dancing with me; it was enough to make anyone uncomfortable, but not me… By the end of the night, though, I realised that he was with Jas, so to me there wasn’t much of a problem.

I ended up going home with two of the guys, one of them Mr C and one of my friends who lived near me. My feet were burning by the end of the night so Mr C offered to give me a piggy-back. My friend lived 10mins from my house in the opposite direction to Tottenham, which was where the two of them lived in. I felt bad, so as they dropped her off, I told them that I would jump out at the top of the road and walk home. But they didn’t allow me, Mr C told his friend (the driver) to take me to my door which they did. I thanked them and got out the car.

In the next couple of days, the pictures from the house party went up on Facebook and everyone was tagged which meant that everyone was able to add everyone as friends. This of course meant that Mr C added me as a friend. I had no idea he liked me until he messaged me. We began going back and forth with conversation in the inbox until he asked for my number.

Meanwhile, the yardie guy I had also met at the party also added me. Mr E as he liked to call himself; his rapper name. But I wasn’t interested in him, seeing him try and move to my friend as well; knowing she was my friend because he had seen us talking the whole night put me off him. I replied to his message telling him just that and ignored all further conversations.

From the moment Mr C got my number, he was texting me like texting was going out of fashion. We spoke consistently for a number of days, texting practically every spare moment. He was funny, sweet and had a maturity about him that I was attracted to. The only problem was I wasn’t sure if I was attracted to him. He wasn’t that photogenic in his pictures on Facebook and didn’t really have many, anyway, to be able to tell how good looking he was.

I had a half day the following Wednesday, literally days after the party and us getting to know each other. He gave me directions to get to his house so I went. When I got there, although I was right – he wasn’t my usual type, I found myself attracted to him weirdly. We spent the afternoon chilling out, just bussing joke and relaxing, him showing me his DJ skills. It felt nice, we kissed and that wasn’t as bad as I anticipated it to be. I got the feeling he genuinely liked me and as I longed for someone to feel that way about me again, I welcomed it.

We started seeing each other. The following week was my 18th and I was having a big party in the local bar which they all came to, Mr C even DJ’d. It was a week after that I decided to go be more intimate with him.

Soon our relationship became very sexual, in fact that was the main reason I was with him. I found that I didn’t actually have any real feelings for him; I merely liked the attention, affection and convenience of him. He gave me something to look forward to on some of the days after college, after having seeing Mr H’s face during the day. 

At first things were alright, but quickly our personalities began to clash…

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