Things got a lot worse to the point where I began to consider breaking up with Mr C, however it was during this time that his dad suffered a stroke.
I remember the morning of when it happened. He called me at some crazy time in the morning and told me that he was calling the ambulance. I texted him (as he couldn’t pick up his phone) to ask if he wanted me to come meet him at the hospital. I waited for his response. In the meantime, I decided to get ready just in case he said ‘yes’ and I had to run out. I had no idea where North Middlesex hospital was or how to get there so I called a friend for directions (this was before the time of google maps on the phone). She told me how to get there and so I decided I should just go anyway.
I jumped on the 149 which was to take me pretty much all the way there; well to Edmonton Angel at least. Literally the moment I jumped of the bus, Mr C texted me back telling me that there was no need for me to come, that he was on his way to work, and that his dad is recovering in hospital. I was slightly annoyed that he went to work, thinking that surely work would understand him taking the day off. I called him to check to see if he was okay, because to me, he clearly wasn’t thinking straight. He answered straight away, he was already on the bus almost at work.
I didn’t tell him where I was, I just listened to him informing me of what he was told, also telling me that going to work would take his mind off things. I couldn’t argue with that so said I’ll come meet him after work and make sure he was okay which I did. I felt like a proper dutiful wife, throughout that time much to my annoyance. I had decided to be there, although initially, I wanted out of the relationship, I had even told him that perhaps it was not a good time to be embarking on a relationship as his dad needs his undivided attention, but he practically begged me to stay with him until at least his dad got better and then we’d discuss us; so I complied. I said I’ll support him in whatever way I can and be there for him as he wanted. My heart wasn’t in it, but I thought that he needed me and I that was the least I could do.
We went out as a group numerous times after that. I even managed to drag him along to one of my friends from college rave which didn’t end well. I knew that Mr H would be there as, he and the birthday girl were close. I wanted him to know that I had moved on from him. Some people figured that Mr C wasn’t real as no one had met him. I figured that this would be the perfect opportunity. I got all excited, even deciding that we should go matching in black and gold. We got there and Mr H was on the door. Result! I didn’t say anything to him, I just walked straight past him and into the rave. I was having fun but Mr C wasn’t. He told me he was leaving to go radio (he used on DJ on a pilot station which was nearby to the venue) I wasn’t happy about it, but he wasn’t happy and I had my friends there anyway so I let him leave. It got to the end of the night and he still wasn’t back so I left. It was when we got to the bus stop that he texted me asking where I was, to which I responded I was going home. He told me that his plan was to come back and meet me to take me home but I just told him he could go home, it’s okay, I would make my own way. But I was so vex. That was a minor incident but the first in the few times we had problems.
Not less than a week later, it was one of his friends’ birthdays. The friend, Mr S, was doing a house, drink-up type of thing and being a part of our little clique I was also invited. We got there quite early – I say that because we were one of the first ones out of his friends to arrive. Mr C and I made our way into the kitchen to get food which was pre-prepared and we met Mr S’s (the birthday boy) ex-girlfriend. This was awkward because Mr S was actually seeing my friend Jas. I was annoyed because the ex seemed like a cool girl but because of who she was I knew that we probably couldn’t be friends as Jas was also on her way. I didn’t even know why the ex was there but that wasn’t my business, I didn’t want to be involved in anyone else’s drama.
We couldn’t have been there for more than an hour, before Mr C told me that he was going to go to radio for two hours. Bearing in mind, that none of my friends were there yet, the only person I really knew was Mr C. I wasn’t close to Mr S, in fact this was like the second time I had met him. So I told him that he can’t leave me because I don’t know anyone and he told me me that I’ll be fine, Jas will be here soon and that I know Mr S. Even with my reservations he still left, much to my annoyance.
I sat on the stairs for the whole night. I ended up having a four hour phone conversation to one of my friends I was that vex and bored. Even when my friends came, they knew everyone there so I was still basically left to myself. Eventually Mr C came back, when a lot more people were there. I have him the evils before being dragged by him to get involved in what everyone else was doing.
There was a few girls there that the boys knew from school – one apparently still wanted Mr C and so was giving me evils all night. And another female, friends with Mr S’s ex, had gotten physically close to Mr C during the course of the night. Because of this, I asked him to be more affectionate towards me so they know the deal between us, to which he responded, “I’m not going to be all over you, I think that’s disrespectful to Shane’s nan and his mum.” As though I had asked him to make love to me in the middle of the party. I was so mad.
He let me sit on his lap though, which got a few raised eyebrows from the females in question and I was glad because that is exactly what I wanted. We all had a few jokes between us – the ones who were in the click – until it was almost time to leave. I remember sitting on the stairs waiting for everyone to put their jackets and shoes on and seeing to the left of me where the entrance to the kitchen was. Mr C being pushed in backwards into the kitchen by one of the females, once inside, alone, she closed the door behind her. I was still sitting on the stairs in complete disbelief. Jas also saw what happened and usually being the person to oppose me in my thoughts and feelings, this time she agreed with me that it was out of order. I felt humiliated and disrespected. The problem wasn’t what they could be up to, it was just the fact that he allowed another female to man-handle him like that in front of not just me but also my friends. I was annoyed. We left together but as soon as we were alone I burst into a fit of rage. I cussed him about having left to go radio leaving me, the lack of respect affection-wise and with the other females.
We managed to patch things back up and a week later it was Valentine’s Day. We had planned to have a evening in on the Friday night which was the 13th because it was our two month anniversary and we thought it would be nice to celebrate both days consecutively. I didn’t really celebrate Valentine’s Day, but as the one the year before with Mr H was a disaster I decided to make an effort because Mr C was also quite emotional.
I wrote a nice message in the shape of a heart in a card and then got him a ‘Me-To-You’ bear in boxers that said ‘Best Boyfriend’ on it. When I got there, he made me play hide and seek for my gift. He had initially asked me what I wanted, because he didn’t know what to get me, and I had said that although I didn’t mind, the film 17 Again on DVD would be a good choice. So I was half expecting to find that. He used the hot and cold technique, so as I looked around the house, downstairs in the front room, depending on how close or far I was to the gift he would tell me I’m cold, warm, or hot. Eventually I found it under the bed, only it wasn’t the DVD, instead it was a heart shaped case of Ferro rosier chocolates – a little to my disappointment – as I preferred a keep-sake type gift I could keep with me, but I was still grateful all the same.
We had a moment of intimacy, though it wasn’t long before his phone started ringing. It was his cousin, who was also a part of our circle, asking us to come to the cinema with the rest of the clique, much to my annoyance. Mr C then proceeded to tell me that his cousin had asked him earlier, but that he had told him that he would ask me as it was my day. So, the decision was down to me and I didn’t want to look bad so I said that it was fine that we go. His cousin was already two minutes down the road when he called, so he had to waited in his car for us to get ready.
We went to the cinema in the O2. His cousin ended up having an altercation with one of the staff serving him at the same time a couple jumped in front of us in the queue which straight away pissed Mr C off. This ruined his mood terribly and I didn’t help that I was trying to calm him down in a jokey way. We eventually got our seats ready to watch the film. Still seeing that Mr C was very much still vexed, I decided to snuggle up to him and try and relax him with my touch to which he responded, “I didn’t pay £8:25 to kiss up the whole film.” He finished with kissing his teeth. Shunning me like that, pissed me off and in my head he just ruined what was left of the good evening we might have had. So much for a nice anniversary. After the film, Friday the 13th, his cousin dropped us back home and I stayed over, wish I hadn’t but by the time we got back it was late, and we were meant to spend the next day together anyway.
Despite all of this, by this point, I was starting to really fall for Mr C much to my surprise. My feelings towards him had grown but only in an attachment kind of way. We were spending lots of time together and of course being sexual was making things worse also. But it was as though my negative feelings were reversing for him. And as my feelings were intensifying, I was becoming much more emotional and he found my moods hard to deal with.
By March, our relationship was very rocky and it was clear that we weren’t getting along. It got to the point where the others within our friendship circle, mainly the girls didn’t like me – not that I really cared anyway – had noticed and were making comments. We decided to take a break, which didn’t last long, literally the day we reconciled, Mr C caught me on my period (my moods were worse than a rollercoaster), unluckily for him I was on a downer. He called me telling me that he was planning with Jas, to get a gold tooth – knowing full well that I hate them. I asked him if he was joking or being serious – before I went off on one – he said he was being serious and that they were booking it for the following week.
I went off, starting cussing him telling him that he’s going to look tacky. Basically just making him feel small, he wasn’t happy, so unhappy in fact, that he blasted me back telling me that he was joking but that clearly I haven’t changed and that he doesn’t think that it would work etc. Instantly I was upset and also vex because I didn’t think he gave it a chance; it was literally our first conversation! He wasn’t listening to me and I could tell that he had already decided in his heart that it was over. You know that feeling in the pit of your stomach that lets you know that this is the end, yeah I had that.
The next day was when it hit me. I was in between phone calls Jas and him, practically begging for him back, it started on MSN then I had enough and called him. Crying down the phone, he locked me off numerous times and eventually called Jas to talk me down and calm me down. This only really made me feel worse, that he was involving other people. Telling other members of our circle that it was over made it more real and that’s what I didn’t want because I wasn’t ready for it. But that’s what I had to deal with. It took me two weeks to get over him, only because I literally forced myself to get over him.
The worst two weeks of my entire life. I made myself cry until I literally couldn’t cry anymore. I sunk into the worst depression, slept on the couch for the whole two weeks – I was on Easter break from college, so thank God I had nowhere to go. I couldn’t eat for the first few days, until my mum force fed me, that was the only time I would eat – in the evenings when she’d feed me. And I didn’t talk for the whole two weeks, not a word. It hurt too much to even be awake let alone talk about my feelings. I think the heartbreak I was reacting to at this point wasn’t just Mr C, he had been a distraction from properly processing the pain, hurt and heartbreak from Mr H and so it had all built up. Hence, why this triggering of the same thing just released all of the things I had been repressing. It was double heartbreak that I was having to deal with, process and get over. At the same time, once again I was hurt, confused, and angry at how I could allow myself to fall again, especially for him of all people. I didn’t even know why I wanted to be with him so badly. Now that I look back I’m sure that it’s a self-worth issue I had that I didn’t know about but also the pain of rejection AGAIN. Strange how we can analyse ourselves easier afterwards; than at the actual time.
After the two weeks, I forced myself back into reality, I felt ready to move on with my life and I was determined to pass my A levels with good grades so I had work to do. I also knew that a rebound was probably one of the best ways to move on, and I had the perfect person in mind who would be able help me to get over Mr C…
But before we go onto who that was. Pause. What did I learn?
I realised that it is not the best idea to date someone I don’t feel much, if any attraction for – especially over time – just because they are kind to me or because I feel lonely. I wanted someone there to help me get over my recent first heartbreak and that was a big mistake because I hadn’t processed anything, I hadn’t taken time to really think about the things I enjoyed about our relationship, the things I didn’t like or what I wanted in a potential partner. Instead, I just wanted to be wanted essentially, never mind that long-term it would cause me more harm and pain.
The Cassie Memoirs 