There are sooo many red flags right?! A lot of which are personal to people as everyone has their tolerance level but there are quite a few that should be red flags for everyone – abuse being one of these.
We pay so much attention to the red flags however, that we neglect the green ones too. They are just, if not more so, as important when deciding to take a chance on someone. We can’t be too negative or overly cautious, otherwise we’ll never take that plunge. Though it is healthy and wise to be on the look out for red flags, they shouldn’t be our main focus and we shouldn’t intentionally go looking for them either – most of them appear boldly anyway!
So here are some of my red flags and also, some of my green ones too. Let me know what you think and if you have more to add then let me know in the comments below!
|Inconsistency||This goes for every area of your partner’s lives – inconsistency in terms of making plans, seeing things through shows that they could not be that dependable or reliable as a person and so if they are like this in a relationship also, it can lead to frustrations particularly at times when you might need them or are making plans with them. |
In terms of your relationship, are they consistent with their communication with you? Do they call and text or message when they say they will and reply within a good amount of time? Are their actions consistent with their words? If its a ‘no’ to all these things, then they are mostly inconsistent people and this can prevent a healthy relationship from developing, as you’re never sure of what will happen next. Consistency on the other hand, brings with it stability.
|Commitment Issues||If they find it hard to commit, (even to making plans), but in a relationship, then that could possibly be a red flag because it means they aren’t sure about you. You want someone who is going to be worthy of your time and value your time and effort; not someone who has you on the backburner. If they find it difficult to commit to you, how can you trust them in the future to build with?|
|Inappropriate boundaries||Everyone has boundaries to protect themselves. Some people unfortunately don’t have great boundaries themselves and so are also disrespectful to others. If they don’t respect your ‘no’ or feel entitled to something you don’t feel comfortable with, then they aren’t someone you really want in your life. They don’t care about your feelings or your needs and so they are largely unsafe to be around.|
|Communication Issues||Do you struggle to understand what they mean or are trying to say? More than that, are they even open and honest about how they are feeling or what they are thinking? It’s important that you are able to communicate effectively with your partner. You need to be able to share your concerns in order to fix issues that may arise. If you have communication problems it breeds more problems and therefore arguments and negative feelings towards one another which isn’t healthy or safe.|
|Abusive behaviours||These are not only physical. Hitting, beating, slapping are all forms of physical abuse, but there is also emotional abuse which is far more common. Swearing, using demeaning words, phrases, put downs, negative criticism. Anything that makes you feel less-than or has you feeling really upset, on the verge of tears, is not healthy. No one should be seeking to try and affect your emotional and mental state or your self -esteem or self-worth in a negative way. If you experience any of these abusive behaviours, you should seek help and leave the relationship.|
|Trustworthiness & Integrity||You should feel able to trust them and they should show you that they are able to be honest and open with you. This is so crucial to a healthy relationship as you know where you stand with your partner and are able to feel safe and secure in your relationship.|
|Good relationships with others||How they treat others is often a good reflection of how they will treat you. If you can see that they have really good relationships with others it shows they more than likely have a good character. If they are able to have good positive relationships with others then it means that you can feel secure knowing that they generally treat others with respect because who wants to be friends with a bad person?|
|Emotionally mature||They are able to not only articulate how they are feeling with you, but they can also understand why they are feeling that way. If you feel a certain way, they are able to understand your emotions also. This helps you to know that together working on issues will be easier. Not only that but them being in touch with their emotions and open about them, help you to feel secure and seen in the relationship. It also creates a space where you are able to be vulnerable with them because you know they have the capacity to hear and to understand.|
|Good sense of self-worth||Often the people who hurt us the most have low self-esteem and self-worth and thus project those negative feelings onto us so that they feel better about themselves. You want someone who knows who they are, and who already feels good about themselves. When they know this, not only will they not go looking for someone to make them feel good, but also they respect both themselves and you, as well as being able to be themselves with you fully.|
|Strong communication skills and understanding (comprehension)||Having strong communication skills is critical for any relationship. If you can’t even communicate, how do you both operate or deal with issues or even plan things together? Being able to easily communicate with one another and them being able to understand you – even if you are struggling to say what you are trying to say – is so good for having a joyful, working relationship.|
So what do you think? Do you agree that these are the main red and green flags you should be looking out for in your partner or are there others? Please let me know and add some of your personal red and green flags below!